/Edit (up the top no less). This is what I spent the time painting frame by frame. I think it looks awesome. Shut up.
/Second Edit Which spazmo forgot to close their bold tag? Would that be me? No, never. I would never forget to close a bold tag. What a silly thing to say.

...or if there's anything sexier than a bookstore chicky wearing fishnets, I want to know about it

This is an email. I wrote it to a person. It almost certainly wasn't you, but you're allowed to read it, because.

I just had the strangest computer crash ever, so I'm allowed now to take time out from painting individual cells of video in photoshop to do the email thing. (after of course taking off the fan and vacuuming inside the heatsink on my computer.. strangest ever crash requiring the strangest ever fix.)

totally totally totally don't bother with the felafel film. it is better that you don't see it. although I will say: they managed to convert a book full of anecdotes into an extremely awesome stage play, so it follows that the film should have been prettymuch a doozey.. same again just with less doubling up of parts and better sets. I think when I found out that fucking sophie lee was in it I should have just turned around and walked away. I want to find out whoever forces her (or belinda emmett) into every australian film, and make them eat razor blades.

I have been waiting for more birmingham action for a long time though. I'm going bookshopping in bris on the weekend, I'll have a look for it then.

I think I must be the only guy ever who doesn't decide to get naked when I'm drunk. well not naked around large amounts of other people anyway... well, not around large numbers of _guys_. I've never been (un?)lucky enough to live in a seriously depraved house / den of sin. The worst I ever had to deal with was twin opera singing flatmates who joined a cult - rotary club, I kid you not. They went on this camp with other "young leaders" or some crap, and when they came back they'd all had these life changing experiences together, which manifested via the whole lot of them quitting their jobs and taking over my place for week-long benders. I think the worst bit was coming home to week old prawn heads in the sink. That was very uncool. Fortunately I was making dot com dollars at the time, so I could get the fuck out. The heinous cultists singing SClub7 daily at 7am may have tipped my hand to signing a lease with my girlfriend.. which is a whole other crazy story of weird housing arrangements, and will have to wait for another time.

I think the zero grav sex thing would be the best ever.. it would take a bit of figuring out I'm sure, but once you had it down.. soooooo many possibilities. I think it would be the purest form of sex available, because you don't have to deal with beds or tables or floors or shower stalls or anything else getting in the way, it's just two people in contact with each other, and nothing else.

Fluids in zero g tend to form spherical floating blobs (even if they're not inherently sticky/viscous fluids) because their surface tension pulls them into shape. there is loads of fun stuff that could be done with a lack of gravity.. but sex would have to be the coolest.

I'm leaning towards the remembering stuff style of computer, and I'd like to have an implant on my eardrums so I could listen to music all the time. wireless net connection and display spliced into my optic nerve. ability to record what I was seeing for later playback or editing would be great. so many possibilities. I really hope it's possible. where are my fucking rocket boots.

Michael Crighton (before he started to suck) wrote a story about a mass-murdering scitzophrenic who had some electrodes inserted into his brain which were programmed to induce an orgasmic response from his body whenever his personality showed signs of changing from normal dude to psycho killer. I guess they forgot first year psych, conditioned response etc, because the dude liked his orgasm switch that he learned to do it more and more often until he became prettymuch full time psycho killer on a constant post-orgasmic rush. sounds like heaven to me, except for the psycho killer bit.

Going to Bris on the weekend to set up my next-semester house and slake my ikea lust. Mmmm, ikea lust.

There's a lot of writing up there. I think I'm going to post it on my site. Hope you don't mind. Not that you have a choice, they're my words not yours, but if you do dislike having the other half of your conversammunication posted on the interweb, tell me and I'll get rid of it. In any case it's unlikely that more than a couple of hundred people would read it.

Jaysim

Sitting in a place that develops photos, on a rather shitty computer on a rather wobbly desk. I'm paying for this shit and I cant find anything better to do than read jaymis dot com.

Our unit is clean, mostly because we only function outside of it. I've been here a week and I havent actually cooked anything or used any plates. Partially because we dont have any food. The fridge is full of grog. Theres bottles of beer and vodka stacked around it because they dont fit. We've got all the ingredients to make a mean pasta sauce, but we dont have any pasta.

But its cool to live in the city with a matress on the floor and my clothes in plastic bags. Hopefully soon I'll be able to move up to cardboard boxes and buy some furniture to go with my guitar case (currently serving as a table)

I'm bored out of my skull kids, and thinking about zero gravity fucking. I think we should all kick in some money to get jaymis and whomever the email was to onto one of those planes that goes down really fucking fast and pretty much recreates zero gravity. I dont think it does it for a whole lot of time, but I dont think jay could go a whole lot of time either.

I know why you're leaning towards remembering stuff computer style. Because I'm a git.

And a couple of hundred people dont read your site. About 4 do. And you have to pay 3 of them.

Fuck you jaymis, and fuck your brisneyland.

other people get paid?
fuck

Shit. Now you've done it Dave you spastic. You just pissed off 25% of my audience.

Now I'm in another cyber room. Out the back of a 7-11-esque place. Its full of sweaty nerds who smell bad an i hope aren't reading over my shoulder cause they might punch me in the face.

Looks like your going to have to pay ALL your readers now jay. And I want more money. The pain and humiliation isn't worth the creds you give me.

I should really go to the laundromat with internet enabled laptops. Then I can clean my clothes and talking shit on your site, at the same time.

Or I could go to the op shop and have coffee. Or I could go to the tobaconist and get my hair cut.

Theres some stupid fuckin hybrid shops around here. And just some strange shit all together.

Like the other day. I saw a dog....

(fuck you and your smart arse thought)

I saw a dog, and it had better dreadlocks than I do. Bastard.

And now to blog in jays comments because... i dont know. Because I'm here.

Yesterday I celebrated the queens birthday by getting my dick pierced. Again. It was no less strange or painful the second time. In fact, it was even stranger. For those of you who arn't into getting spikey things put through your rude bits, I'll outline the proceedure.

Firstly, you take off your pants. So imagine my bony naked lower bits, complete with peen (fuck I hope the guy next to me isnt reading this) with doc martin boots still on.

Hopefully you've returned from spewing/jerking/frigging/cutting yourself.

Anyway. They get this like.. piece of papery cloth stuff. And they put your nob through it.

Which is how I was sitting, feeling quite the twat a little over 24 hours ago while a strange looking asian guy poked at my dick. Then the apprentice came in. She needed hole-through-cock experience. So then I had 2 strange looking asian people poking at my nob and shining lights on it and saying 'can you hold this bit here like this and then ill ......'

Then comes the clamp. Clamping the skin on your poor old peen so that its stretched is quite a painful thing indeed. Try to avoid it at all costs.

So by this time your lying there wondering what the hell they are doing to you man bits because they are all about the pain.

Then they say 'Take a deep breathe in and let it out' and you think 'I'm fucked now, whos stupid fucking idea was this?' then you let out your breathe and it hurts like fuck. And you think 'that wasn't so bad'. Then they say 'and another breathe before I put the jewelery in' and you think 'BOLLOCKS FUCK THIS' then it hurts again im getting tired of typing this.

In fact... fuck it. Its stupid to be posting anyway. But I use any chance I get to talk about my cock.

---

This popped up from yahoo while I was typing all this dross.

Natasha: Thanks for the mail... catch ya later

tclarkson2000: I'm in a cyber cafe. I think the person you're after left. I might be kind and log them out. You should tell them that they shouldnt leave yahoo like that, because it makes them easy pickings for fuckwits like me. And generally I AM a fuckwit and would probably do something mean and laugh. But I'm doing other stuff. So shh.

Natasha: hehe that's okie.. he does it all the time... thanks for the message though.

tclarkson2000: thats quite alright..
tclarkson2000: oh yeah, i was going to log him out.
tclarkson2000: thanks for reminding me, I'm just as bad as he is...
Natasha: Good idea Then silly NZers won't hang round all night wondering if he's really on.
tclarkson2000: tell him that you were mollested by some strange newtown person because he foolishly forgot to disconnect.
tclarkson2000: yeah, damn NZers.
Natasha: He'll probably find that amusing...
tclarkson2000: I know I do. Can you shut the fuck up now?

--

Bored to shit. I'm going to the pub.

<3 puppy boy.

--

Fuck! I dont have any money. I'll have to do a runner. Or I could whore myself to the indian guy. Or show him my pierced peen of bruised holy bit of metal death... I think I'll just run like fuck.

Ha.. I'm gonna rip these guys off. And since I cant pay, I'm going to talk shit here even longer so I can rip them off for more money. Serves them right for having fucking uncomfortable chairs.

Those dogs with awesome dreads are hungarian pulis.

link

The Dr Dave comments blog is awesome, it's like having an evil shoulder monkey that's doing naughty shit in Sydney.

Apparently I don't allow html in comments. That's probably a good call, preventing much scabies action. If you're really that interested to check out the dreaded dogs, google is your friend, and "hungarian puli" is your search string.

Apparently the plural of "puli" is "pulix" though, as in "generation of knob jockey marketing fuckheads".

Back at the same computer after having fixed up my previous debt of $3 here. The same fucko has been back and yet again didnt log out of Yahoo. So I'm sending that silly bitch I was talking to another message saying 'Your friend is fucking retarded'.

And the same fucko is back on the computer now, writing yet another comment here. Theres less smelly nerds this time. In fact, theres a sort of hot chick here. I should show her my scabies.

PEEN UPDATE: Bruised, but otherwise healing nicely. If you ever get your frenum pierced, dont get a green titanium barbell, as it makes it look sicker than it really is.

Now that my dicks out of the way (well, its still in my pants, but I've finished talking about it) I can move on to ranting about public transport, which I have recently become more dependant on since it gets me to work.

Over my years of using trains, I have accumulated (I should ask the sort of hot chick how to spell stuff - or steal her bike) various train related fines.

These hurt my wads of cash more for each one I get. But currently I don't have wads of cash. I spent it on mutilating my penis and drinking coffee. So fucked if I'm going to pay $6.80 everyday to get to and from work. Its not like they have gates at either station.

But today they had human gates. The train nazis. They have a sort of policey looking uniform and things to hurt me with.

Here is the way I found to deal with them:

Tranazi: Can I see your ticket please sir?
Dr Dave: No

This neat little trick saved me a fine which could have been around the $200 dollar mark. And I don't even see why I should pay. I meant first of all, its my money and I want it for beer. Secondly, the trains going there regardless of if I buy a ticket. And if its going there anyway, why shouldn't I just skive a free ride?

Its not like the money goes towards anything. Cityrail went through the 'LETS MAKE EVERY TRAINSTATION LOOK LIKE MOTHERFUCKIN LEGOLAND' phase a while back and since then doesnt even bother to hose down the piss or drug addicts.

Nor do they have bins anymore. This is because people are scared crazy terrorists will put bombs in them. Which I suppose is fair enough. We've all seen the leaked CIA report about how whacky ol' osama was going to put a few kilos of C4 and a spare WMD in the bin at Epping station. But we showed him! Years of planning down the drain because the smart government types took away the bin, leaving osama to go to plan B (kerplode the world trade center).

I would just like to thank Cityrail (because they read jays comments - they're on the payroll) for taking away the bins. The WTC was a tragedy indeed, but the death of stoned dave trying to make it into the city and the random fuckwit who wanted to buy drugs off me would have been a far greater loss for all.

I was going to go on about random people who suck at train stations, like the guy who wanted to buy drugs and go for a spliff and wouldn't go away despite the fact that I told him to fuck off everytime he said anything. Or the sad-case christian who goes to Town Hall every friday night to preach through his little speaker. He likes to play christian easy listening music through his little speaker with its 'Jesus would fuck a dog for you' sign on the side.

Theres plenty more of those people. I'm going to have to start pushing them in front of trains.

Im going to go now, because I'm dubious about how clean tclarkson2000's hands are. One day I'm gonna catch that motherfucker, and I'm going to beat him to death with my wad of train fines, my bruised peen (which smells like a hospital because I need to clean it with antibacterial soap because infected cock = bad ..

If you dont belive me check out: http://members.optusnet.com.au/empathy/predictable.jpg

I probably should have made sure nobody was looking before I checked that was the right link. I hope they saw it. I hope they think I've got it. Then they wont use this computer and get their hand scum all over it.

Fuck me this has been a long bracket bit. I can't even remember what I was talking about.)

Oh yeah. I'd hit them with other shit to. Until they were dead. Or.. near death.

Anyway, I can't think of any more ways to mention my cock, so I think this will just about do for today.

Jay, Have you read The Diamond Age by Neal Stephenson?

And what has happened to altnet?

Dave I'm going to sydney for new year's, and we will be needing some bud.

Of course I've read diamond age.

Altnet is the bork. They changed it to "purpleheadedmonsternet" or some shit. Go read the alt to find out where it's hanging around at the moment, I think kods has started a spank channel up again. I haven't actually managed to get into the new alt or spank. I am uni's bitch.

I <3 Dave's cock

We all love <3 dave's cock.

Back in the room with the smelly nerds. I'm sure they're all in awe of how fast the skinny dude with dreadlocks types. This is computer 3. Not computer 6. Someones on computer 6. It could be tclarkson2000. I should slap him. And say LOG OUT STUPID.

For some reason I feel obliged to do this now. I mean, I dont have a whole lot else to do. But I'm totally out of material.

Most of the crud I've been putting here would generally have been used in conversation. But conversation is hard now. Its either hope people are online when I happen to be here, or its send them SMS under 160 characters.

Which is how jaymis told me today that he wants me to become a junkie and die in a stairwell so that he can take grainy photographs of me to masterbate to. Jay is a sick, sick puppy. You should feel ashamed to be on his site.

I dont even have anything new to say about my cock except that I'm remembering how much of a pain in the.. uhh.. dick the aftercare is. Theres nothing like waking up in the morning and sticking your dick in a plastic cup of ice cold saline. I'm sure it would make things more difficult for the girl I'm living with if she were ever there.

I still haven't washed my clothes. Maybe thats why she's never there. I've also become piss poor having spent all of my money on shite. But ...

Why the fuck am I even typing this?
This is TOO blog like. I know its just in jays comments and its not like anyone aside from the spankwits read it. If even they do. In fact, they should be well aware of what I'm like and thus probably know better.

It is within my means to make my own site. I just cant be fucked. And I cant steal designs from people and images from google. I don't have enough talent to work around those limitations.

So its talking shit in jays comments. I'm not sure if I'll move my little blogness to the next post he does, or just keep writing it here. Or, alternativly, I could stop all together. Which is looking like the likely scenario, because I'm just talking shit. It costs me money to. And I wont have money for long. I might not even have food for long.

And fuck, I hate my job.

I have reached all new highs of laid-back with my new job. This laid-back phase might not last long, but for now I get to do very little all day, in return for occasional free lunches, and trips abroad. OK the pay isn't up to much, but I get loads of time off and it's near my house. And hey, they actually PAY me, which is better than my last job.

I'm back again. Twice in one day. Sad dave, sad. But I was just walking past on my way to the record shop and thought fuck it, I've got nothing else to do, thats why I'm going to the record shop. Then I might go to the pub. And get blasted. Because television is shit.

Anyway, I've had fucking heaps of cones and I cant focus on the screen.

<3 pesh

Okay. Tonight I'm here cause its warm. Its cold where I live.

Daves today:

Adam Spencer just boonged my lighter. He looks like a total criminal in a beanie.

I saw a little kid fall down the stairs of the train today. It was pretty funny, but its not nice to laugh until they get off the train. Well, its not nice then either. But at least people wont figure out I'm a sadistic bastard. They'll just think I'm totally insane and laughing at nothing. I wish I still had posturavat.

I have a muffin. Its apple and cinnamon.

That is all.

I think I'm getting tired of doing this. Jay should update his site. Todays update is early because I'm hopefully going out tonight to get polluted and see the herd.

I'm in a proper cyber cafe now. Its got rules and lots of people. The computers are still shite, but they've got a printer which is win.

I've spent the day watching the buskers. The guy who sits on the ground drawing for money. The kid who plays sex pistols covers and sings badly bud has balls of steel.

It has been even less interesting than it sounds. <3 fuckwits.