Here's some important information from Dr Dave, who (by the way) says that you should bend over, relax, and breath out slowly.

tell anyone who reads your site that they suck and dont have elephant stories and if they dont tell me a story about trains im going to kill them

I don't really have much to add to that kids, so I'm just going to reiterate: You suck. You don't have elephant stories. If you don't tell Dave a story about trains he's going to kill you.

I would suggest Dave-storytelling could best be achieved by clicking on the little "comments" link at the end of this post, seeing as most of the email addresses Dave adds to his comments aren't strictly his, or even email addresses. Also, I like train stories, and want to listen to them too.

We haven't actually had a Dave train story for a while though. So Dave, how have the wonderful people of the rails been treating you recently?

/edit: Comments closed - too many spam.

Saturday was loud irritating noise on trains. I was staring out the window. And I could hear these loud beeps. I figured out they must have been coming from the fat bitch slumped forward in her seat and a mobile phone she had between her mammoth legs.

I was listening to the noises, and my guess is she was player frogger. Which I figured out entirely by the sound effects. Thats fuckin nerdy regardless of if its right.

There was a little kid humming loudly some little kid tuneless timeless random song.

The train was making random noises and one of the lights was humming.

There were koreans loudly threatening each other in whatever monkey speak they speak.

Every second fuckwit had a mobile phone with a stupid ringtone set to ear bleedingly loud and the train driver was an indian who was telling everyone in a loud clipped that the next stop was meadowbank and theres a fly buzzing around and now some fuckin kid is having a whinge and their mother is screaming at it.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I'm hung over.

Right. Thats it. You're all fuckin dead.

I just went down to the 3rd-floor tea room (official name "The Byte Cafe"... yes there are a lot of nerds here.) There, proudly placed in the centre of the kitchen bench, is a brand spanking new Gaggia coffee machine. I can tell it's good because it says "DIGITAL" in big letters on the front. A digital coffee machine!! It MUST be good if it's digital.

I plan to tell the tea lady that she has to buy special digital coffee for it.

The Central line trains weren't running this morning so I caught the bus. Normally the trains run every 2 minutes.

so anyways, when my dad was at school in sydney one of his mates was dared by the school bully to climb up one of the train power poles and put a shilling up there (yes my dad is old) to prove he was brave. so he did. he climbed up and placed a shilling on the top of the pole. on the way down however, he touched the powerline, and was burnt to a sizzling schoolboy crisp.

moral of the story : if some bully dares you to place a shilling on top of the power pole as an act of bravery, tell him you'll do it only if he holds the safety rope. then, when you get up to the top, grab a wire and fry the fucker. heh heh.

Jaymis and Jade are now at Fezbah, the coolest turkish restaurant in bris, and we're sexing the wireless airwaves up, because we are thee geek sex. And that's all I have to say about that.

NOT FAIR.

London doesn't have ANY free wireless hotspots that I can find, you have to pay for all of them. But I finally got my wireless up and running on Friday in my house, so I am happy now.

i went on a train once.