About an hour ago I received the scariest SMS ever. Jade has been having a difficult time in Italy and is finding that living in a completely different society is changing her personality and making it difficult for her to feel love or excitement for things back here.

The first message completely floored me. I was almost sick and then flipped out, kicking a hole in one of the walls. I thought that all of my fears were coming together. Over the hour after that we sent lots of messages to each other and it's not as bad as I thought but I'm still feeling really scared. Because Jade has no real connection to me and to everything we have here her emotions are very up and down. Sometimes she knows that she loves me but often she just feels nothing when we talk and she's not sure if she loves me. She said that she won't fall in love with anyone else but isn't sure if she'll feel the same for me when I meet with her in Italy as when we're in Australia together.

I have never loved anyone as completely as I love her. I now understand why some of my exes felt, being so completely in love with someone and knowing that they're not feeling the same is the worst thing in the world. Jade told me that she still knows that she'll love me in Australia and she still remembers how amazing we are together, but she's scared that she won't feel the same when I'm there.

I'm still definitely going to see her. As long as she's not in love with someone else I am hers. She's told me repeatedly that she's not in love with anyone there and she doesn't think that will change. I know from the love I feel that if we are together physically everything will be fine, but while we are apart it is appallingly hard for her to feel the same as I do.

I am in the same world as I was before, everything is the same but there's just a huge part of it missing. I know that this is just a temporary thing - a year is definitely temporary compared to the rest of my life, which is how much time I want to be with her - but the fact that this will end doesn't help me from day to day. Those who know me know that I am an extremely happy person. In a normal world I have boundless reserves of happiness and probably don't feel perfectly happy about once every couple of months, for a couple of hours max. In stark contrast to this, the last couple of months I have been unhappy most of the time. Jade not being here is like a constant weight in my stomach. Every time I get an SMS I feel nervous because it could be a message from her. Whenever I send her a message I feel nervous, hoping and waiting for a response. When I go to call her to actually talk I am so nervous my hands shake. I don't think there would be an hour in the last 2 months that I haven't thought of her at least once. I've been trying my hardest to supress my emotions and not be constantly messaging her and emailing her, so she can get on with her life over there.

Jade herself has had it just as hard as I. She's been homesick, physically sick and her emotions are all over the place. Her first family were very difficult for her to live with and she was quite unhappy. Her new family are much better people but she is still sick and still feeling very detached from her life here. Her world there seems to me to be almost a complete opposite from mine. Everything is new and different, and there is little to remind her of the parts of her life in Australia who make her who she is. Obviously her personality has changed to fit with this new world, and this is what is scary for both of us.

Jade thinks that everything will be the same when she gets back to Australia, but I know that I won't be able to survive that long without her.

Alex came home a couple of minutes ago and I told him what had happened, so he's going to help me fix the wall on the weekend. I've talked to him and Krissy and they both basically reaffirmed what Jade has said to me, that her emotions now are nothing like her usual emotions. She will probably be up and down a lot before I see her and the only thing I can do is trust that our love is as perfect as I know it is and wait until I see her.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. If we can survive this we will both know that our relationship is meant to be.

you are a monkey jay. <333

you two are the sweetness that makes excessive caffiene drinks bearable to my worn out taste buds.

im sure Lionel Richie has an appropriate lyric for this situation. if not, theres always Putty at Hardwarehouse for more wall repairs.

all the best,
Mr DRi